(Flicker- Niall Horan)
I watched today
my very first autopsy

what disturbed me
wasn't the smell of his blood as they opened up his body

what disturbed me
wasn't the part where they peeled open his scalp

what disturbed me
wasn't the way blood was dripping out from his ears
as they turned him over

but what really disturbed me
was whether he lived his life the way he wanted

was someone waiting for him to come back home
just to receive a call that he was no longer alive

was he in fear, in pain and all alone
what would he have wanted his family to know before he left

was there anything he wished he could change
was there anyone he wanted to apologise to
for hurting them
intentionally or unintentionally

was he afraid?
because i would be

then again why live so carefully?
why do we change ourselves just to fit in

why do we hold back
why are we afraid to do the things we love
when some don't even have a chance to love anymore

so live & love
as much as you want to
because  life is so fragile
so short
& so unpredictable

There is no glory
when you are in the hospital at 7 am
when most of the people have yet to start their day

There is no glory
when all you can smell is sweat in the overcrowded wards
and all you want is an ice cold shower at the end of the day

There is no glory
when you walk around the hospitals at midnight
when most of the people are back home asleep

There is no glory
when they question your judgement
and blame you for the things you do

but the feeling you get
when you tell them they are okay
when you tell them they can go home on that day
when you allow them to live
to see another day

there is no fame and glory
in the daily things we do

but we do it anyway

i love medicine & everything it has to offer
and that is all i need

Love is
blind
but with the purest & greatest intentions

Love is
never foolish
Love is
never irrelevant

Love is
wanting to feel than not knowing at all

Love can feel like
jumping off the tallest skyscraper
or hours of silence
all at the same time

Love can be confusing & terrifying
but it is something people spend their entire lives searching for

But
what if your head is screaming no
what if u know there are no answers no guarantees
what if its taking a risk
what if this person destroys all the walls that you have built
leaving u vulnerable

Too many people are afraid
Too many people hold back

But I want you to jump anyway.
To trust
& to step forward

How do you know what love is, will be, will become? Or if it will hurt?You don’t.
But that’s the beautiful thing. You let go. You hope. You free fall.
And somewhere along the way, it all makes sense

(inspired by: Dharshana)  

But why
Do you put everyone before you
That you forget you are most important

But why
Do you think that u have to make everyone happy
That you forget
What made u happy?

But why
Do you make people your sun
That u forget
u deserve to be someone else’s sun too

But why
Do you let people think it’s okay to say those words
do u also think that too?

But why
Do u allow all of that
To be done to u;

don’t u think
u deserve a little happiness yourself

maybe we all have made mistakes

wrong decisions
people you broke the rules for
hurting the wrong people
everything you think is wrong

the thought of it never hit you
or maybe it did and you were just too afraid to face the truth
so you hide

in a living fantasy you painted all in your head
everything there is
bright happy and good

it's okay to not be okay
it's okay to have regrets sometimes

forgive yourself
because guilt is toxic
stop reliving the moment over & over (in your head)

and over 

and over

love yourself
forgive yourself 

sometimes its nice to make a wish for people out there, so here is a wish for you who is reading this:

I don't know how 2017 has been for you.

No matter good or bad,
I wish you can leave all that and look forward.
You might not believe in new beginnings
 (some people say a new year is just a concept and that there really is no such thing as "starting anew")
but then again,
I wish the best for you this year.
I wish you have so many indescribable moments that make u smile in many years to come
I wish you meet friends that you don't have to be careful about what you say when you are around them.

I wish you get all the (ups/good things) in life
but most importantly,
I wish there are people with you when you fall down.
People to laugh with you and people  who give you hope and courage

I wish your dangerous & outrageous dreams turn into beautiful realities
I wish people will fight for you & you will fight for the things you love.
Love others but don’t forget to love yourself

I want the best for you.
And I hope you want the best for you too.

Happy New Year. 2018 is the beginning of everything you want.
Surprise yourself.